Hailing from the realm of Hirntodia, A Band Of Orcs live day by day eating your brains and crushing out your skulls. Though by nightfall it’s a whole another tale that has yet to be told – thus through the eyes of the Orcs who claim to play brutally through the sounds of music, do quite thoroughly with the release of their debut EP “WarChiefs Of The Apocalypse”, which shall dominate our own realm drawing the apocalypse just ever so nearer. The Orcs tell all from a realm of their own known as the one they call home.
1. So what planet are you guys from? Is it in a galaxy far far away?
Cretos Filthgrinder: What “planet”? *scratches head.*
Hulg ElfRIPper: Planet big spinning rock stuck in void of existence. Insects like humans live on, crawl on, make larvae on and keep rooting on top of rock.
Gronk!: It like egg in womb of mother chaos.
Gogog Bloodthroat: We not from “planet,” we hail from realm of Hirntodia.
Gronk!: Yesssss…very far, far away. Need travel by wyrm hole
Gronk!: -or Maelstrom, and them hard to find, so us make giant maelstromwith circle pits at metal shows; bring rest of Gore-Stained Axe to conquer you spinning rock realm.
2. Are Gwar your next door neighbors on your planet?
Hulg: No. Is them you next door neighbors in you planet?
Gogog: Kingdom of Clarr, used to be neighbors, on other side of hills from ancestral hunting ground, but us kill them and take them land. Burn it to husk, drink their ale, laugh as all women and children slain, tortured screams music to Gogog’s axe. And now us need more land, more kingdoms to conquer, more music of the tortured souls, cuz us broke all the kingdoms us conquer. Yours next!
3. Where does a name like A Band Of Orcs come from and who are “The Orcs”?
Cretos: Us orcs. Us in band. Where name like [insert interview’s name] come from?
Gronk!: Manager Gruesom Grimp give us name when him summon us for kill human spawn playing Dungeons and Dragons. Him said, kids roll some polyhe-…he…he…thingy on ‘Random Encounter Table.’ Gronk! not know, but orcs here now.
Hulg: Polyheeeeeedron, Gronk! too numb head to say humanz roll “polyheeeeedron.”
Gogog: ‘The Orcs’ am us – I, Gogog; him, Cretos; him, Hulg; him, Gronk! And Oog. We’re the Gore-Stained Axe Tribe. We bring Domination. You die…or maybe us spare you cuz you write propORCanda, ahahhahahahhaha!!!
4. What about your EP “WarChiefs Of The Apocalypse”, what does the title symbolize?
Gronk!: Jed and Grimp say we say, ‘Domination,’ as foretold in Canticles of Gzoroth, and you humans hear ‘Apocalypse,’ so us bringers of Domination, but translate to human-speak and it called ‘Apocalypse.’
Cretos: That us, us “WarChiefs of the Apocalypse.” Us bring Domination, but we spare all humans who give us gold and praise. If you not join us, then you die death of pain, blood and laughter.
Gronk!: Hail Gzoroth!!!!
All: Hail Gzoroth!!!!
5. Are you guys in the process of making your full-length debut?
Hulg: Gogog always in process of making full-length debut.
All: *hideous laughter*
Gogog: Silence, Hulg. I kill you.
Hulg: Already dead.
All: *more hideous laughter*
Gronk!: Yes, us make chants of kill giants. Make immortal greatest of all stories, triumph of Orc over all.
Gogog: Our adventures of death, blood, and fire in Hirntodia; our defeat of the Giant Kings. It called “concept album,” or something.
Cretos: Some humans tell Cretos you have a prophet who told story like ours.
Gronk!: Yes, one human worth sparing, but him dead few years ago. Him called Gary Gygax. Him write prophecy called “Against the Giants.” Us did it. We went against the giants and kill them all.
Hulg: Cracking bones, call of death, raven plucks evermore the eyeball of despair.
6. Tell me about your writing process and what your lyrics consist of.
Cretos: Me start by writing epic shred guitar solo—
Gronk!: Me have Oog beat Gore-Stained Axe Tribe beat till trance comes. When trance comes, I commune with Gzoroth and him tell Gronk! What to chant. Then we all chant together over and over until words stay in Gogog’s head exactly as Gzoroth breathed them.
Gogog: Gronk! May need to chant words, but only Gogog hear melody. Without Gogog there is no melody.
Cretos: Then after I record new epic shredding solo I put down my axe and pick up my sword. Then Cretos arm two slaves, one with axe, one with sword, one with mace, one with club and the rest with spears and Cretos fight until death, relearning the fuckable rhythms of war
Hulg: Ineffable rhythms of war.
Cretos: Infuck yourself, zombie. Cretos learn the unfuckable rhythms of war and make them scream through amplifier.
Hulg: Battle rhythms crunchy like fresh bones of the weak underneath iron shod foots of horse. Crack, splinter, war never changes.
Gogog: Making an album is like making a whole war campaign. You do lots of boring shit trying to plan and organize and spy and guess and get headache and drink ale and make battle plans and split up into different groups and try to remember false plans not real plans for when mind readers flies into camp and then you get to battlefield and it all goes to Hell fuck the plan you just kills everybody and why the fuck did us waste time with all the planning shit instead of more drinking?
Oog Skullbasher: Oog drink now.
7. How about touring will you be hitting the road within the upcoming months?
Cretos: Carnage and desecration await the many roads the Blood Stained Axes will pound this hot season. The battle wagon will destroy more of your puny human asphalt.
Gronk!: Do not your science wizards know that the rock roads will decay if you not cure them with dragon fire?
Gogog: Da Grimp says we’re raiding more places in your America than ever before, but it not tell us where yet. Says negotiations are always tense and orcs just fuck things up if we knew.
8. Have you considered touring with Gwar, you guys do sound and look alike?
Hulg: Hulg is beautiful. Slymenstra Hymen almost as beautiful. Hulg like what Gwar did to Paris Hilton was make her beautiful.
Gogog: A Band of Orcs will raid tours with almost any human band that does not suck.
Gronk!: Or bands that do suck.
Cretos: Yes, if you suck tour with orcs. If you suck us’ll kill you and eat you, but that just make tour better for everyone.
9. What bands inspire you to do what you do?
Gronk!: Slayer, Iron Maiden, Amon Amarth, Sepultura.
Gogog: Cryptopsy, Marduk, Super Happy Storytime Land, Machine Head.
Hulg: Morbid Angel, Immortal, Mayhem
Cretos: Cretos not have inspirations Cretos is inspiration for all other guitarists.
Oog: Oog smash.
Hulg: Hulg not like this question. Think it insipid.
Gronk!: What that mean?
Hulg; It means orcs get asked this all the time and it gets turned into a game of trying to name the bands.
Gogog: Not tell them that. They not need to know, except there are bad zombies and absolutely no pancreas.
10. You have to tell me about your attire, make-up, the whole nine yards that makes you who you are, where did you come up with the idea and this whole get up?
Gogog: Gogog had uncle once. He did not believe in armor. Said Gzoroth spoke to him and screamed do not wear armor it only slow you down and you not dodge arrow. When he come back the pieces were too small even to make hamburger. Ever since then all orcs wear all armor us can find, usually on battlefield, but sometimes we raid blacksmith who actually make swords instead of just make pigs pregnant. Those were the good old days.
11.”Into the Maelstrom”, is the current video you have out what was the concept behind that and are there are follow-ups?
Gronk!: Us go to director Jess Byrden and say you write video that shows the world the awesome might of the orcen powers, the untold hordes that do only orc bidding, the way even the biggest of humans squirrels out of the way when the orc horde takes what it is. We say if Jess Byrden not do this, and do it in only 1 day, then he dies a death of pain that none have known since Rugen. Him make magic picture good, but them him run away and us never find him again. Next time us kill him even worse if him not make video.
Gogog: Follow-ups labeled NSFE, Not Safe for Earth.
Cretos: Next follow-up not a video, but a song. Metal Underground released some tribute to some dead human.
Hulg: Peter Steele, elf for brains.
Cretos: Who fucking cares? Us rewrote Green Man and made it the evil orc epic it was meant to be.
Gronk!: Why a song about orcs was not already evil Gronk! Will never know. But now whole album is for download at metalunderground.com. Only 3 of your paper dollars.
Gogog: Paper dollars worth less and less every day. Soon be worth nothing. Buy “All for None, None for All a tribute to Peter Steele” instead. It never loses value.
12. What else is there to say to all of the fans that are out there?
Gogog: Gogog loves you.
Gronk!: Gogog is drunk. Tomorrow Gogog will hate you.
Gogog: Yes, but then Gogog will get drunk again.
Cretos: Orcs expect a lot from our minions. Don’t suck.
Gronk!: Go to abandoforcs.com to keep track of where the orcs are going to raid this hot season. You not want to miss the show. Also can buy T-Shirts, CD’s and more! Do it and us will let you live, not and you take your chances us just eat you on sight.
by Natalie Perez