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Freezer – Blu-ray Review

Title: Freezer

Director: Mikael Salomon

Starring: Dylan McDermott, Yuliya Snigir, Peter Facinelli

Running Time: 91 minutes, Rated R

Special Features: Interviews with Dylan Mc Dermott, Peter Facinelli and director Mikael Salomon;  Freezer: Behind it All

Robert (Dylan McDermott) wakes up in a meat freezer and is being told by a couple of Russian thugs that they believe he’s the guy that owes them 8 million dollars and they won’t let him out of the cold until he tells them where the money is stashed. Robert soon discovers a wounded cop hiding in the freezer with him and who possibly knows the truth that could save the both of them, but he’s not quite the straight and narrow type.  Robert must do what he can to stall his captors while he figures out how to survive and not freeze to death in the process.

The good: The make-up effects are pretty good. The redness of McDermott’s hands as early frostbite sets in was accurate.

The bad: This is one of those movies where you’re pretty sure you know what’s going on, and how this is all going to turn out and the villains are so damn stupid you want to tear your hair out.  Peter Facinelli is credited, but is barely in the film and his character is a forgettable one. By halfway through the film you’re ready for the thugs to just kill Robert just to save your sanity because then the movie will finally be over.  Instead we get to endure scenes like this…

“You stole the money.”
“No I didn’t”
“Yes you did, where is it?”
“I just told you I don’t have it.”
“Hang on a sec I’ll be right back.”
Three minutes pass where Dylan McDermott’s character is doing something to show how cold it is in there.
“Okay where’s the money?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes you do.”
“No seriously I don’t.”
“I’m gonna kill you if you don’t tell me where the money is.”
“Well we’re both going to be disappointed because I don’t have it.”
“Wait here I’ll be right back.”
Three more minutes pass. McDermott is looking for ways to escape to no avail.
“Okay let’s try this another way [orders goon to beat him up a little]. Now where’s the money?”
“Oh wait I remember…[insert pun or lame snide comment] nope, still don’t know.”

This goes on for the entirety of the film! The only difference is that someone ends up either getting injured or dying in some oddly convenient, yet bloody way. The writing is insanely irritating. Then McDermott’s character reveals himself to what he truly is, but why drag this all out for a chick? Love my ass. Dumb, dumb, dumb. The ending has the cliche derpy callback quip that makes you want to throw your chancla (or what have you) at the screen.

Sure this film was cheap and easy to make since it all takes place in one location, but you have to give the audience a reason to watch it. I didn’t care about any of the characters and afterwards I still couldn’t give a crap about any of them. Give him frostbite, make him lose a toe, do something other than piss me off for wasting my time. In fact it would’ve been a better ending if they all somehow got locked inside and then we sigh with relief as they fade to black.

Total Rating: F

Reviewed by: JM Willis

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