Title: Cosmopolis

Directed by: David Cronenberg

Starring: Robert Pattinson, Juliette Binoche, Paul Giamatti, Kevin Durand, Samantha Morton, Jay Baruchel and Sarah Gadon

Running time: 109 minutes, Rated R, Available on DVD

Special Features: Citizens of Cosmopolis Featurette, Commentary with David Cronenberg, Interviews with Cast & Crew

Eric Packer is a billionaire asset manager waiting out the result of a bet against the Chinese Yuan in his stretch limo as he drives around the city, interacting with his wife, coworkers, doctor and a parade of rat wielding protesters.

The only way I can describe this film is by using a popular internet meme: Dafuq? (I actually said this out loud after the film ended).

I didn’t get it. It was a surrealistic, dystopian story and I can’t decipher if this movie was just too profound for me to comprehend, or just unwaveringly pretentious. There were scenes that were just so bizarre, I couldn’t figure out if it was reality or a fantasy. I was just waiting for someone to say it was all a dream or someone pull the plug on guy in a coma; but that never happened.

Juliette Binoche has sex with Robert Pattinson’s character in a limo, then drags herself away from him. What the hell was that about? The only thing that got me through that scene was thinking that she was possibly leaving a snail trail on the carpet. Packer (Pattinson) has an unbelievably long prostate exam in the back of the limo while he is having face to face dialogue with Emily Hampshire as she grinds a water bottle in her crotch. Seriously, how long does a prostate exam take? Even if it’s a thorough exam, I would think 1-2 minutes tops but the doctor is evidently spelunking in this scene.

I would have turned this Blu-ray off within the first 20 minutes if I had not been waiting to see one of my favorite actors, Paul Giamatti; however I had to sit through this entire festering hemorrhoid of a film in order to see Giamatti and his part was incredibly short, so I was disappointed yet again. He and Pattinson have this weird dialogue about their similar prostate diagnoses and Giamatti’s indoor port-o-potty conversion while pointing guns at each other.

If you’re smoking some good ganja and you’re feeling intellectual, maybe you can sit through this film and possibly make some sense out of it. Apparently it took David Cronenberg six days to write the script for this film. Yeah dude, I wouldn’t brag about that since this script is nowhere near brilliant. Cosmopolis was sheer torture for my senses and a bitter disappointment in comparison to Videodrome and eXistenZ, which were my favorite Cronenberg films. The only reason I see anyone watching this again is that it’s masturbatory fodder for Twihards and lonely Cronenberg-philes.

Reviewed by: JM Willis

Total Rating: F

Robert Pattinson Facepalm

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