Even if a film is the clear favorite in the eyes of the Academy, it doesn’t mean that you want it to take home the Oscar. The Academy Awards Ceremony is about honoring films that achieved a high degree of excellence, but excellence doesn’t always represent the film’s entertainment value. If the Academy awarded the statue to the film that’s most likely to be watched over and over again, the screenplay that has the most memorable one-liners or simply to the most inspiring underdog, it might look something like this:
Best Picture: Inglourious Basterds
Not only is this my favorite film of the year, every time I watch it, it gets better. Everything about this film is spectacular. I’ve had endless arguments with myself about my favorite scene. Yes, I had an argument with myself.
I’ll Be Pissed If This Wins: The Blind Side
This is a lovely feel-good movie, but an Oscar contender? I’m angry enough The Blind Side nabbed a nomination; if it steals a win from a more deserving film (like any of the other nine nominees), I’ll never forgive Sandra Bullock. (Sorry Sandy, I know it’s not your fault, but the blame inherently falls on you.)
Actor in a Leading Role: Jeremy Renner
Perhaps my support for Renner stems from the fact that he’s the clear underdog, but anyone who has seen The Hurt Locker knows he puts on a stellar performance.
I’ll Be Pissed If He Wins: George Clooney
He’s good, but he’s still the actor George Clooney. Clooney passes as Ryan Bingham in Up In The Air not because of the power of performance, but because the film, as a whole, is fantastic.
Actor in a Supporting Role: Christoph Waltz
Screw the underdog here. Waltz has nabbed every award out there for his performance in Inglourious Basterds and deserves to top off his successful run with the Oscar.
I’ll Be Pissed If He Wins: Stanley Tucci
Sorry Mr. Tucci, but I can’t forgive Peter Jackson for destroying one of my favorite books, The Lovely Bones. Tucci works with what he’s given, but is incapable of putting on an award-winning performance because a shoddy screenplay makes it impossible.
Actress in a Leading Role: Gabourey Sidibe
This award better go to one of the young’ins in the running. I’d be thrilled to see either Sidibe or Carey Mulligan nab the award, but I’d prefer to see Sidibe make her first feature film performance an Oscar-winning one. Some say Sidibe wasn’t acting in Precious. Did these individuals not see the film? What about Sidibe’s numerous appearances on talk shows? This girl is the polar opposite of her character. She’s cheery, hilarious, humble and totally deserving of this honor.
I’ll Be Pissed If She Wins: Sandra Bullock
I could keep it simple and tell you to refer back to the Best Film section, but I can rant about The Blind Side issue all day. Sandra Bullock for Best Actress? What the @#$%? Not only is the film not worthy of an Oscar nomination, but neither is Bullock’s performance. On top of that, her spot should have gone to Avatar’s Zoe Salanda.
Actress in a Supporting Role: Mo’Nique
Both the supporting actor and actress categories are no contest. Mo’Nique’s performance as Mary in Precious is downright chilling. Come to think of it, she’s more of a villain than Waltz’s Hans Landa.
I’ll Be Pissed If She Wins: Penelope Cruz
How is Nine eligible to win anything? This film is terrible. Cruz’s performance isn’t even particularly notable. If anyone from Nine got a nomination, it should have been Marion Cotillard.
Animated Feature Film: Fantastic Mr. Fox
Call me crazy but I didn’t enjoy Up nearly as much as the majority of moviegoers. Call me heartless, but not once did I get the urge to shed a tear. Fantastic Mr. Fox, on the other hand, was an absorbing and immensely enjoyable experience. Everything from the voice work to the animation is brilliant.
I’ll Be Pissed If This Wins: Coraline
This movie just rubbed me the wrong way. It doesn’t know what it should be, a children’s film or a horror film, and gets lost in the mix.
Directing: James Cameron
Avatar wasn’t my favorite film of the year, but it did make it to number three on my list. I’m going with Cameron not because he excels in comparison to his competition, but because he deserves it. He spent fifteen years developing the project, pumped in about $300 million and delivered big time. You don’t make the top grossing film of all time and not get an Oscar for it.
I’ll Be Pissed If He/She Wins: Nothing.
I have a preference for whom I’d like to see win, but every individual is deserving of their nomination and I’ll be glad to see anyone take home the statue.
Writing (Original Screenplay): Inglourious Basterds
Quentin Tarantino is a damn genius. You know how there are always particular portions of a film you look forward to? Well, I’m thrilled about every second of this one. Everything is perfectly timed and presented with each word in the screenplay serving a purpose.
I’ll Be Pissed If This Wins: Anything But Basterds
I refuse to budge on this category. Inglourious Basterds must win or I will not be happy.
Writing (Adapted Screenplay): Up in the Air
This is a tough one. Precious is an excellent book-to-film adaption, but the manner in which Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner manipulated Walter Kirn’s novel is especially impressive. Up in the Air the film is far different from the book, yet respects the original elements necessary to maintain the story’s sense of heart and effectively expresses it on screen.
I’ll Be Pissed If This Wins: In the Loop
I did not enjoy this movie in the least. In fact, I struggled to finish it. It’s not a bad film by any means; it’s just not my type of humor.
By Perri Nemiroff