Right now we’re at that delicate yet temporary point in cinema time where we associate vampires with pale-faced, large eyebrow individuals who can flash a wonderfully crooked and charming smile. You don’t think they’re going to suck your blood as much as they will suck the life out of a bottle of hair gel in order get their head of hair perfectly quaffed. What we’re dealing with is the more emotionally in touch vampire, throwing out the crazy predator-like instincts and filling up that void with intense non-sexual longing. So when a remake like “Fright Night” comes around with a vampire like Jerry Dandrige (played by Colin Farrell), the sexiness that’s normally associated with this creature of the night comes back in.
You see what I mean? The charming and buff Colin Farrell is a fine visual example of the fictional undead creatures that we’ve always associated as synonymous to movie vampires. For every gorgeous undead creature there’s a few disgusting-looking ones that we’d care to forget about but just can’t. You love the films that they all appear in but if you ever say any of them in real life you’d run as fast as you can away from it. That’s where we come in, bringing you the top five ugliest on-screen vampires. They may be charming, but they’re not fun to look at.
Note: My first instinct was to put one of the memorable-looking faces from the original “Fright Night” on here, but since this is in honor of the remake I decided to omit anything having to do with the first film. Also, I could’ve gone ahead and put any one of the vampires in “Twilight” on the list but that would be disrespect to all other fictional vampires on the big screen.
#5: The Vampires From “Priest”
They may not look like your stereotypical vampire but yuck, do they look gross.
Out of the ones I’ve chosen to put on the list, these ones look the least like any real form of vampires we’re used to, yet they are the same blood-sucking creatures… they just have a different form to them. They cause all sorts of havoc in “Priest” for anyone who dares exit the thick walls of a lone city stuck out in the middle of the desert, and especially for the warrior Priest (Paul Bettany) who has to duke it out with numerous types of these creatures of the night in order to save his niece (Lily Collins). However, out of all the different incarnations of the vampires we’re shown throughout the picture, these ones are by far the most unappealing. Yuck.
#4: All The Vampires From “30 Days Of Night”
Hey, you have a little something there on your face.
There are graphic novels that have the best ideas for stories, which is where “30 Days of Night” comes in. It’s based off the graphic novel where a small Alaskan town ends up being invaded by a hoard of super hungry vampires that happen to show up on, you guessed it, the thirty days when the sun doesn’t shine at the location at all. Would you ever think about smooching one of these vampires let alone getting near them? You’d rather get out a fire hose filled with holy water and spray it on the poor suckers to kill them out of pity. They’re terrifying creatures, don’t get me wrong, which makes them all the more uglier. I’d definitely make sure these blood suckers never get near me.
#3: Dracula In “Bram Stoker’s Dracula”
Yes, we all love Dracula, but we do NOT love him in this form.
Okay, so Gary Oldman is pretty attractive as the lovelorn yet sinister Dracula, but that just depends on which form you’re talking about. No, I’m not talking about him wearing that really cool suit with the top hat and 90s oval shades, I mean the hideous-looking being he looks like in the picture up above. That’s his true form right there. Women swoon over the fiction about ending up with a vampire. You wonder if they’ll be swooning after they wake up one night to find their “beloved” looking like that in their coffin fast asleep.
#2: Salma Hayek Post-Transformation In “From Dusk Till Dawn”
Now she’s sexy, now she’s not.
Even I have to admit that Salma Hayek is one beautiful looking woman. I’m sure there are some guys who would have loved being in Richard Gecko’s (Quentin Tarantino) shoes when he was getting a nice dance from the scantily-clad Hayek, but not after she transformed into the horrid looking lizard-vampire thing. If you guys still find her super hot when she’s in that form then that’s a little strange yet kinky.
#1: Nosferatu In “Nosferatu”
A classic and terrifying not so great looking creature of the night.
Now don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore “Nosferatu” as a movie and as a classic monster. But I also agree with a friend who described him as looking like a “deformed penis.” When you see a shadowy figure like his slowly creeping up the stairway towards you, the first thing you want to do is run. When you get a good look at the crooked face and huge fangs you just want to bolt the other direction. You don’t want to be near that because it looks grotesque and because it’s such a terrifying creature.
If you’re interested in seeing another kind of vampire on the big screen then go watch “Fright Night,” out in theaters nationwide right now.